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Bittersweet, Half-Victory

March 13, 2013

So…I presented my 5-page monologue today. In the morning, I worked on layering my lines, tactics, character body, and quality, and it was going fairly well. Now, I have a fit of an anxiety problem, panic attacks if you will, so you never know how the final performance is going to go. What a miserable existence lol. 

Anyways, it’s my turn at bat and my breathing gets shallow and I start to rush through everything. I spaced out on lines twice but I fought through it. I have to remember to stop saying sorry when I eff something up. I’m just so got damn polite though. UGH. Overall, I take notice of the commitment and preparation I put forth for this project. Could I have done more? Absolutely, but that’s to be filed under procrastination/ immobilizing fear. I accomplished creating another character, who just so happened to be an asshole, which was the best part!! I learned about 95% of my lines (our instructor told us to stop memorizing in the interest of saving time) and I’m so proud of myself. Especially considering my lack of sleep and mental exhaustion. I plan on kicking our Shakespeare project’s butt from here to Mexico! YEA! I take solace in the fact that my teachers notice that I am improving with each section and that, unlike some of my other classmates, I actually do and care about my work. Well, and the fact that I’m actually improving!

On another note, I’m feeling some type of way. My classmate told me he was offered the opportunity to skip our fourth semester and go straight into the advanced program (only invitees can attend). I am ecstatic for him! Words cannot describe. I’m feel a little anxious though. Will I ever have such potential or am I just wasting my time? Although my teachers see progression, I want them to actually see something in me. To agree that I could really make it out there. So I’m a little bummed. Part of that is the constant feeling of never being good enough, whether it be in school, relationships, or just life in general. I know, I know, negative self-talk is for suckers. I’m trying to try. How do I think I’m going to be on a live show every week, telling jokes if my anxiety is always getting the best of me. I just feel like my spirit is broken and I’m disappointed in myself. My brain lives on duality street, SMH. And of course I need to talk and NO ONE is available. Jesus be some Beyoncé tickets! :/

I have two monologues to present and I plan on working on them so tomorrow I can show that I’ve progressed even further.



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