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Testing myself

So, for the last mod of my 3rd semester at my acting conservatory, Shakespeare was the name of the game. What was left of my class was given the challenge of conquering The Merchant of Venice. Whooo! Was that a hard play or what. I played Portia, which basically translates into me having the most lines. I was told this early on and it terrified me! I did every trick I could think of to learn what felt like a million and one lines. Goodness. I wasn’t off book until two days before the school’s viewing. TWO. It was a struggle to say the least. Throughout the five weeks we had to put the rehearsal project together, I learned to appreciate old Billie for his wit and brilliant writing. My teacher Rex is an amazing teacher. He broke down everything so plainly that my distaste for this popular playwright turned into an admiration. As a matter of, over break I would like to read another Shakespeare play. I was thinking of Much Ado About Nothing. Rex said doing/ studying Shakespeare makes you a better actor. I really believe this is 100% true. I feel out of every performance, this is the only time I actually did what I was supposed to do. Like everything clicked. Well, at least I tried. I also think reading/ studying Shakespeare increases one’s intelligence. Despite the process being a bumpy road for my classmates and I, I am proud of how everything turned out. Minus me beating myself up in the beginning about what I felt were my preparation/ performance’s shortcomings. I’m now on break for two weeks and I would like to take the time to refresh my mind and refocus.




Single Lady >:|

So. This weekend was interesting to say the least, but a very modest interesting. Between me feeling every moment is my last because of this diabetes scare to trying not to fall victim to love, it’s been a struggle. I’m suffering from what could be paranoia but also very possibly the crashing of reality. I keep having to tinkle at night and I’m just super thirsty when I wake up int he middle of the night. Needless to say I’m pretty shook (my dad is diabetic). I’m going to do everything in my power to beat this pending doom and be on that get right! It’s definitely hard to accept because I’ve never been at risk for any disease until this point. But exercise I must! It’ll help me fit into those summer dress all the more. 

I finally got to meet the guy CP put me on with. He’s cute, sweet and makes me nervous. I’m not used to this so I’ll try not to eff it up lol. Keyword: TRY. It’s going to be a battle between him not paying me enough attention/ me loosing interest and/ or me self-sabotaging the situation, like I do with many other things. Oh, how I menace myself. 

Now for a short PSA: I’m tired of being a baby daddy magnet. No offense to the guys out there with kids, but I’m kind of worried. I feel guys with kids are usually financial strained, lack time and/ or spontaneity. I want someone who can just pick up and go without the hubbub. Don’t get me wrong, I understand we all have broke periods in our lives, non paycheck weeks and what not, but damn. Also, if a relationship with this guy progresses into a legal union, I’ll feel left out. You’ve already had a kid so it wouldn’t be new and exciting like it would for me. I won’t feel like we’re sharing an experience. Maybe I’m just being silly. Whatev.

Like I was saying….before I got sidetracked…I like him but Idk if he can give me the full attention I need. I’m a Libra with a fragile ego after all. Hmph. 

Next topic, speaking of this post’s title. So It snows today, I was hoping school would be closed. Of course not. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but not in a good one either. Fast forward to class. I’m the lone she-wolf now since the other girl dropped out of the program, and we’re discussing The Merchant of Venice. I already have a natural reluctance with sharing my thoughts in a educational setting, so I was sitting back and observing. I’m finally ready to comment and my classmate just cuts me off and doesn’t give a damn about it. OH?!! My teacher looks at me like, ‘What are you going to do son?’ I was heated but I kept it together. I just sat there and cooked. Enough time passes and I attempted to make another contribution and another male classmate just rushes in and barks over my voice. I had had enough. Again my teacher is like… 

All I know is come tomorrow I dare one of those MFers to step out there. LOL. I’m ready.

In conclusion, whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question is a LIAR!!

Good day :)~

Bittersweet, Half-Victory

So…I presented my 5-page monologue today. In the morning, I worked on layering my lines, tactics, character body, and quality, and it was going fairly well. Now, I have a fit of an anxiety problem, panic attacks if you will, so you never know how the final performance is going to go. What a miserable existence lol. 

Anyways, it’s my turn at bat and my breathing gets shallow and I start to rush through everything. I spaced out on lines twice but I fought through it. I have to remember to stop saying sorry when I eff something up. I’m just so got damn polite though. UGH. Overall, I take notice of the commitment and preparation I put forth for this project. Could I have done more? Absolutely, but that’s to be filed under procrastination/ immobilizing fear. I accomplished creating another character, who just so happened to be an asshole, which was the best part!! I learned about 95% of my lines (our instructor told us to stop memorizing in the interest of saving time) and I’m so proud of myself. Especially considering my lack of sleep and mental exhaustion. I plan on kicking our Shakespeare project’s butt from here to Mexico! YEA! I take solace in the fact that my teachers notice that I am improving with each section and that, unlike some of my other classmates, I actually do and care about my work. Well, and the fact that I’m actually improving!

On another note, I’m feeling some type of way. My classmate told me he was offered the opportunity to skip our fourth semester and go straight into the advanced program (only invitees can attend). I am ecstatic for him! Words cannot describe. I’m feel a little anxious though. Will I ever have such potential or am I just wasting my time? Although my teachers see progression, I want them to actually see something in me. To agree that I could really make it out there. So I’m a little bummed. Part of that is the constant feeling of never being good enough, whether it be in school, relationships, or just life in general. I know, I know, negative self-talk is for suckers. I’m trying to try. How do I think I’m going to be on a live show every week, telling jokes if my anxiety is always getting the best of me. I just feel like my spirit is broken and I’m disappointed in myself. My brain lives on duality street, SMH. And of course I need to talk and NO ONE is available. Jesus be some Beyoncé tickets! :/

I have two monologues to present and I plan on working on them so tomorrow I can show that I’ve progressed even further.


Unanswered Questions

It’s 6:35 p.m. on a Wednesday. I was lucky to have an imaginary snow day. The break from school was welcomed. I washed my hair this morning, which always takes forever, and did some light cleaning in my room. Then I decided I need to relax…for just a little while…yea…

I have two monologues to attend to, yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve been on the phone with my BFF, the other half of my brain, Crys, for probably 3 hours. Actually 4. No bueno.

I’m trying to grasp why doing the book work for a script and memorizing my lines are quite unappealing. Maybe I’m just burned out from being school. The program I’m enrolled in is of the intensive variety. I’ve literally been in school since last May with a few 2-week breaks here and there. It’s killing. My former university had obscenely long break, so I was spoiled in that aspect. I don’t just feel burned out, the process just isn’t exciting. I realize that when you have a presumed love for something and you receive training, the topic is broken down literally to electrons, therefore sucking the fun out of it. I’m just trying to get over that hump. I wish I had the key to my salvation. Jesus help! Plus I think everything I choose to do it whack or stupid, but that’s my own personal demon. If only professional Spongebob episode watching was a career. Perhaps I’ll have a chat with Teacher David tomorrow. He believes in me, which is more than I can say for anyone else at that blasted school! HA!

Sidebar: my numerous packages from Amazon have arrived! Yippee!!! 

Anways, I think I’m going to try to do some work. What a life!